The Need to Run

Today hasn't been a great day. It is the end of the fiscal year at work, and my last week as a supervisor, so it promised to be a crazy 5 days. The week took a definite downturn, though, when my grandfather's wife died this morning. She isn't my biological grandmother, but my Mom's mom died before I was born, so she is the only grandmother I have ever known on that side of the family. I can't really say we were ever that close, but I know she made my PaPa happy, so that made her OK in my book.

I don't think she ever had a cross word to say to me, my wife, or my kids, and thinking about it now, I don't know that I ever heard her say a negative word about anyone. As a person who is a total ass, and never really has anything positive to say about anything or anybody, I can't imagine the type of person it takes to stay that positive in the face of all the shit the world throws at you on a daily basis. Part of me thinks the energy it would take would be unimaginably soul draining, but part wonders how much better life would be if your glass was always half full. How would it feel to be genuinely happy to meet and spend time with people? To love the company of not only friends and family, but people you barely know? How hard would it be to stay cheerful and upbeat while battling cancer like she did? To stay strong and not break down while watching your spouse of 30+ years die a slow, lingering death? I can't know.

This is a time when it would be comforting to believe in a God who holds a special place for people who are willing to believe, based on nothing more concrete than a 2000 year old book full of sometimes wonderful, sometimes contradictory stories. I wish I believed but I don't. That would be too easy. I've heard too many Christians describe life on Earth as a hell to be endured while trying to earn your place in heaven. I refuse to live my life believing that. What is wrong with living a good, decent life just for the sake of making yourself, those you love, and sometimes people you don't even know happy? Is that not reward enough?

Marjorie was a sometimes wacky, sometimes downright odd person, who seemed to make everyone around her happier. I never really thought about it much while she was alive, but that seems to be the norm. How little do we really see people while they are just across town somewhere, living their lives while we live ours? Crossing paths at Thanksgiving, Christmas and the occasional funeral. Promising to see each other more often next year. How much time do we spend actually living and not just being alive? I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I can tell you that it isn't enough. But I can tell you that my heart beats a little faster when my wife walks in to a room, my smile gets a little bigger when I hear Logan laugh, and I'm sure I can walk on air when Emma runs to hug me when I walk in the door.

So while my heart is heavy today, as much for those left here to deal with the pain as for those who are gone, life has to go on, and it is our responsibility to make sure it is a life well lived. Nobody is going to do that for us.

As the title says, right now I am feeling the need to run. Running has become symbolic of the person I want to be and the life I want to live. It may be petty, but maybe that is what life is about. The petty things that make us happy. I'm not smart enough to know, so all I can do is try and judge what I see through the prism of my life. I can't be Marjorie and become a people person, but that isn't who I am anyway. I am fine with loving my family and the few friends I really care about. As long as I can make them happy and pick them up when they need it, maybe it will have been worthwhile after all.